What I Didn't Learn from MTV's Teen Mom
Everything I thought I knew about pregnancy, I learned from MTV. The shows 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom provided me hundreds of hours of entertainment, however the educational network left many topics uncovered. I have compiled a list of those lessons I had to learn outside the confines of cable television.
1. Inflation
Before I was pregnant, my baseline body type was 4 months pregnant. But when I actually was pregnant? I inflated myself to bounce house proportions, my chins multiplied and my inner thigh gap disappeared faster than you could say “cookie.”
I worked out with a trainer in an attempt to mitigate excess weight gain. (Spoiler Alert… it didn’t work!) My trainer had constantly coo’ed “You are doing great for your condition!” I had to remind him I was literally paying him to tell me that.
2. Pregnancy cravings
My only pregnancy craving was a pair of Golden Goose sneakers. I woke up one morning with an intense desire to own these shoes. I spent 3 hours picking out my pair and then overnighted them to myself because I literally couldn't wait a second longer to wear them. My first two weeks with the shoes was glorious. Then my right foot grew. I cried. A male colleague witnessed this breakdown and tried to console me by saying “It's okay! Now you don’t have to wear those ugly shoes anymore!” One of the many occupation hazards of working with men.
3. Solving medical ailments on the 9th page of Google
Halfway through my pregnancy, I was diagnosed with oligohydramnios which basically meant the baby was swimming in a shallow pool of amniotic fluid. In efforts to raise my fluid levels, I religiously followed a translated article I found on the 9th page of Google from a Pakistani Medical Journal. Since I didn’t require additional hospitalization, it seems nothing was lost in translation.
4. New content for password combinations
When I was pregnant, we called the baby “Baby V,” just like the Vanessa Hudgens song “Come Back to Me.” The first time I used “BabyV” as a password was for my Domino’s Pizza app. Could there be a higher honor?
5. The pressure of picking a name
Naming the baby was something we put off until the week she was born. I wanted her name to be Kitty so every day I could say “Hello Kitty!” but Matty didn't share my vision. We had an iPhone list of names that we would add to and delete from during the last few months. The night before we went to the hospital, we pulled up the list. There was only one name on it. Maisie will need to overcome the obvious rhymes of Maisie but it won’t be as bad as my unfortunate first initial and last name corporate email address of skeating@.
6. Occupational hazards of being pregnant
Though I spent 40 Saturday nights without alcohol, I still spent a Sunday in Urgent Care. I had to get a tetanus shot because I cut my ankle on a rusty grate trying to flee the solicitations of a GreenPeace volunteer.
7. The sympathy play
I was grateful to have a scheduled c-section because I hardly have the patience to wait for my toast to finish toasting so there was no way I could have endured natural labor. I had an absolutely non-life threatening but still eventful allergic reaction during the c-section which led to special treatment and an extended stay at Hotel Hospital. 10/10 would recommend playing up the sympathy card.
8. Teen Dad
During my pregnancy, Matty provided enough content for his own reality tv show. He took a pregnancy test to confirm they were “working”, he thought it was called “mourning” sickness, informing a parenting class audience that Tik Tok was his resource of choice and he was almost being kicked out of the hospital for calling the Maternal Fetal Medicine department the Maternal Fecal Medicine department.
I really hope MTV is considering a Thirty Mom spinoff because I would like to apply.
