Things to Nose About Nose Surgery
When asked to describe myself, I default to the adjective “expensive.” Even from a medical standpoint; I am costly. I have racked up MANY non-insurance covered afflictions. For example, I can’t buy normal deodorant because I have hyperhidrosis so I have to buy overpriced prescription deodorant. If I didn’t, my underarm sweat circles would literally drown me.
So it was not surprising when a paid for out-of-pocket CBCT scan (which was originally intended for my dislocated jaw) showed that in addition to my jaw problems… I also had a nasal breathing obstruction. The doctor, a little mystified that I’ve been living like this, asked me how I breathe out of my nose. I told him, “I don’t. I just breath out of my mouth instead!” I honestly thought everyone had to open their mouth if they wanted to breath out of their nose. He looked concerned, informed me I was wildly incorrect, and said I should probably get surgery so I could join the other 99% of the living population that can breath out of their nose without needing to open their mouth.
I called my parents to inform them that I would once again need to siphon from their HSA as I had just been diagnosed with another expensive sounding medical issue. My parents said they had been wondering what to get me for Christmas so this surgery sounded like the perfect gift from Santa. Though neither of my parents would ever admit to feeling bad for me, they did find humor in the fact that no one realized I’ve been breathing incorrectly my entire life and that calling me “mouth breather” was in fact a merrited insult. After coming through the surgery with a new found ability to breath, I accumulated the following knowledge that I wish to share.
Pre-Surgery
Practice counting backwards. I was most nervous about counting backwards when receiving the anestia. As a dyslexic, counting forward is hard enough. I was also nervous about my parents picking one of my many bad photos to grace the cover of my funeral brochure if I died on the table.
Consider the seasonal implications of your surgery’s timing so you can pick your surgery season wisely. Surgery is a great excuse to get out of things like hanging front porch Christmas lights or going ice skating.
Surgery
Being on passed out on a gurney is not my best look but at least this time I looked slightly better than the time when I was carted away from a college fraternity formal in an ambulance.
Try and talk your way into additional procedures. As the doctor was doing the final run through, I asked if we could also sneak in a breast augmentation. He replied, “You don’t want an ENT operating anywhere else besides your ear, nose or throat.”
Post Surgery
After surgery, I lived my DREAM of being an only child. Nothing personal to either of my siblings (who I have come to love dearly) but I have wanted to be an only child since the day they were born.
The under nose bandage provided by the surgery center proved to make a great accessory. I was initially worried about the sterile color of the bandage but my mother quickly made amends by drawing a mustache on the gauze.
3. When you are wearing your bandages, it is a one way ticket to the front seat. Normally, people try to get me to sit in the trunk.
4. I only had two adverse effects from surgery. The first was that all three of my double chins survived and the second was that my iPhone didn't recognize my bandaged face and I had to manually enter my iPhone password like it was 2017.
All in all, I would 10 out of 10 recommend this surgery. I don’t know if the doctor would recommend me as a patient, and I don’t know that my parents would recommend financially sponsoring the ailments of their 28 year old daughter, but I DO KNOW that TLC will soon be receiving my audition tape to be on their show, “It Is a Miracle She is Still Alive!”
